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Catholic Diocese of Little Rock
My vocation is a mystery to me. I realize I owe myself and the Church an explanation for why I should be a priest. It should consist of evidence that the Lord is calling me and that I have a desire to be a priest.
And I should be able to clarify my desire and say what it is about priesthood that I want and why I want it. And yet I find all this far more mysterious than I would have expected at first. But let me be honest about what I have experienced.
If I told you I had heard the Lord’s voice calling me, I would be deceiving you — because, in the obvious sense of those words, the statement is untrue.
What I can say truthfully, though, is that I remember having wanted to be a priest since I was 9. This is where a good explanation belongs. But, to be honest, I don’t have a good explanation for that desire.
One piece of it surely is the grace of my first Communion. I remember from the steps of the altar back to my pew I felt an overwhelming and physical joy, an uncontrollable smile that I was embarrassed of because no one else seemed to be reacting that way. So I put my hand over my face so only God could see it.
As time went on, I learned to go to Mass every Sunday, even when it wasn’t easy. And sometimes I would walk to church from school just to sit in adoration. These are the things the little-me did, not because I understood their value and chose to pursue them but because I was being drawn and I couldn’t help but be swept away — away to priesthood, it seemed.
As I got older, the desire to be a priest continued. I’m not even sure I distinguished it from the desire to be Catholic or to be a follower of Jesus. And thinking back on it I guess I didn’t even question that. I think at that time I didn’t even perceive a choice: It was a part of my identity that I just received.
Asking why I wanted to be a priest would probably have been just as nonsensical a question as why I liked ice cream or the color red.
As a teenager, I saw the opportunity to chase some dreams of mine, to travel the world or try to prove myself by academic achievement, but I continued to ask myself the question “Who are you?” and I saw that those things aren’t who I am.
I am that kid kneeling before the Sacred Heart: a disciple. I entered seminary on that sense of identity.
Since then, in formation, I’ve learned a lot more about what priesthood is and about my own desires. Priesthood isn’t the same thing as being a disciple. It’s a particular type of discipleship: that role of helping the bishop be Christ for the Church in teaching the true faith, guiding the Church, and blessing — bringing God’s grace to the Church in the sacraments.