I needed to forgive to not be bound by damage of divorce

Published: October 3, 2020

By Kelli Nugent
St. Edward Church, Texarkana

In preparing for this column, I located and read my journal of thoughts, prayers and feelings during the time of my separation and divorce.

Now, almost a decade later, it was not as difficult to read. The burden of the failure of the marriage may fall more heavily on one than the other while the Catechism of the Catholic Church acknowledges that there can be an innocent victim of a civil divorce who did not contravene moral law.

The reality is each of us is a sinner. If we look honestly at our situation we may be able to see our own sinfulness in the muck. Divorce is a grave sin.

A word wall of my divorce would be filled with words such as: frustration, pain, anger, revenge, shame, retaliation, sadness, betrayal, loss, helplessness, despair, fear, bullying, distrust, depression, to name just a few.

I sought counseling by one of our holy diocesan priests and partook of the sacraments, particularly confession. This wise priest directed me, “Find one person to vent with and only speak with that one. Do not tell everyone about it.”

Reflecting on this most difficult time in my life, I can now see God’s providence in so many ways. While divorce was inexorably coming, I had begun the Little Rock Theology Institute which required me to read books and write papers in the evenings, therefore not allowing me to wallow in self-pity and, as it turned out, giving me a small group of supportive friends. Kind people reached out to me in person, with a note or a phone call.

St. Thomas Aquinas says that to love is to will the good of the other. Love is a choice, primarily a decision of the will, not dependent on feelings. To die to oneself and surrendering freely to your spouse in self-giving love is the foundation of Christian marriage, followed by the daily choosing to live the commitment made.

Just as love is a choice, so too, forgiveness is a choice. It is an act of the will. I needed to choose it so that I would not be bound by the damage of the divorce as well as for the good of my former spouse whether he asked for it or not.

Forgiving is a repeated daily choosing to forgive because there are still times when I come face to face with all the raw emotions. I had written in my journal, “Jesus help me! I want to be healed and forgiven of this anger and resentment! … I want to love greatly — help me to forgive greatly!”

The greatest lesson learned in the midst of this trial is that I came to understand this truth: That God can use all things to his purposes. I wrote, “In your own time, in your own plans, you can take this great evil and turn it into good. Your Father took the greatest and most horrible evil of your passion and death and turned it into the greatest good, that of the salvation of all mankind.

Through your cross and resurrection you are able to heal all mankind, restoring them to the Father … I know my God is capable of all things. I believe that one day my tongue will praise you for your healing power in my life.”

Kelli Nugent is director of faith formation at St. Edward Church in Texarkana. She has a bachelor’s degree in theology from St. Gregory University in Shawnee, Okla. This article was originally published in Arkansas Catholic Oct. 3, 2020. Copyright Diocese of Little Rock. All rights reserved. This article may be copied or redistributed with acknowledgement and permission of the publisher.